a hidden friend

During my life, I have had maybe one or two life-changing experiences. I know, I know; I am still young, but life is moving at a thousand miles per hour, and I never really took the time out to hold my breath for a few seconds to make sure I wasn’t missing anything really important. I spent my high school years battling rumors, evil girls, and discovering my passions for the literary art, but I never sat and watched a sunset, I never saw the snow, I never sat in a car on a rainy day just to watch the drops explode on my windshield. I spent most of my college years the same way. I went to class, came home. I never made any real friends, the kind that you make an effort to see, the kind that doesn’t screw you over for a guy, the kind that would stick by you when they said they would. Lets just say I have been kind of put off by the whole experience of life, or how they say you should live it. So I drifted. I floated from experience to experience, because I was programmed to believe that nothing good would come of it anyways.
Then I met you. And you taught me the beauty that is hidden in the cracks and crevices of this world that I have only seen hate and destruction in. I walked by you blindly, almost disgusted, because I have only ever seen the bad in people before I saw the good. I hoped for the best, but expected the worst. But when you go through life with the perspective that any day could be your last, and welcome it with open arms, because what kind of a heaven could there possibly be if this world, which is supposed to be so wonderful, is nothing but a giant disappointment, there is no point in actually getting out of bed in the morning for anything. So instead of walking by you a second time, I stopped to watch, and to admire, and to discover that not all things with seemingly ugly exteriors have bad hearts or rotten souls.
I watched you, and got to know you, because I thought I could learn something about how to really live. Because you lived with the perspective of every day could be my last, and I am going to fight like hell to see tomorrow. I learned that I too should fight for my life, and not what I was living, because that was really no life at all, but an encapsulating routine that was a bitch to break. I decided to fight for the type of life that I wanted, not the type of life I thought I should settle for.
Every day I sat with you as you worked, or bathed in the sun, and I told you the story of the life I had come to live. And as I told you of the hate and cruelty that had encompassed my daily routine, I could hear your heart break for me. Because I knew that you wanted me to be as happy as you were. You wanted me to find meaning in the little things, beauty in the not-so-beautiful, and love in the hate. Every morning you were the first face that I wanted to see after I left my house, and when you weren’t there, my heart broke a little. And when I thought I lost you, I found myself falling back into the same routine that I had started with. I had a hard time getting up in the morning and starting the day when I knew that you wouldn’t be there to catch me when I fell on my face.
I had almost lost hope until one night, one wonderful night, you snapped me back to reality. You grabbed my hand and said, “What the hell do you think you are doing?” and I knew that I had let you down. I was supposed to keep living, instead of emotionally killing myself. And I know now that you won’t always be around to keep me in check, so I have to do it for myself. I have to be sure that I am living each and every day to its fullest potential. You are the mother I always wanted to be, you are the fighter I never thought I could be, and you are the traveler that I will someday become. Because there, stretching from a small tree down to a stone post was the most beautifully crafted, and lovingly developed spiral spider web that I had ever seen, once again. And there in the center, hung upside-down was a beautiful yellow and black spotted spider with eight long red legs stretching out from the coin sized body. And when the winter set in, the mornings held a little more dew on the tips of the blades of grass and leaves on the trees, the days got a little shorter, I thought the sun had set on you. But, you sprung from the ashes and showed me that you were a soldier, and that I should be too. So now, I find myself consciously stepping around lines of ants, making time to appreciate the formations made by the clouds, and I live every day as if it were my last. And you better believe that I am going to fight like hell to see tomorrow.

the river is everywhere

The river is everywhere.

we are all interchangably connected, what i do affects the decisions you make, which will influence the next event in someone else's life. there will never be a standalone event in anyone's life that does not directly affect someone else. so why are we all so completely wrapped up in OUR own happiness? we all can acheive ecstasy if we all work together and let go of our own petty needs and focus on each other, everyone as a whole. and so i realize that,

the river is everywhere.

My river bleeds into the rivers of life of many people. tiny streams and creeks will branch off into an ocean of rivers. and although those connections may be shallow or short lived, they still affect the flow of my waters. every tree that falls into the depths of my river, every school of fish that finds a home in my sea will change the direction or the momentum of my river. we can no longer take for granted the beings that nest in our waters, because however insignificant they may seem,

the river is everywhere.

as i trap my river in a glass jar i am able to look from beginning to end and see a beautiful horizon on either side. the sun setting behind me, and rising on a new day before me.i have found that i have loved more deeply than most people ever will. and i have felt more heartache than anyone ever should. i have lived more fairytales than you will find in a storybook, and bitten into more poisoned apples than i care to admit. but i look upon my river, i see the dew drops collecting on the blades of grass on my banks and i see that someday they will find their way into the depths of my river. i will watch my river as it ebbs and flows, and i will never forget that

The river is everwhere.

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

the river is everywhere.

Jack's Mannequin

The Lights and Buzz

I'm coming home from my hardest year

I'm making plans not to make plans while I'm here

And this life has been no holiday,

a complicated situation

I'm fine with all my memories

Still I could use vacation

It's Christmas in California

And it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time

But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters

It's good to be alive

It's good to be alive

I'm coming home to the lights and buzz

Streets look the same, still nothing's as it was

This place is paradise I'm sure, here's my reservation

I've gotten lost here once before

Inside a good vibration

It's Christmas in California

And it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time

But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters

It's good to be alive

It's good to be alive

It's good to be alive

And time, time it stops for no one

The seasons come and go and that's just time

Yeah time it stops for no one

The seasons keep on going

Whether or not we're blind

Christmas in California

And it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time

But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters

It's good to be alive

It's good to be alive

It's good to be alive

something

drops drip
dropping fast
dripping faster
bombardment
war.
hate
pain
rain drains out fear
opening a new sight to past years
months days
people stop to stare…
holey personas
empty shells
unhappy smiles
always something different
always
always something better
always
always something
speak with your soul
d r a g g i n g o u t w o r d s

drips drop
on something better
drops drip
on happy endings

hope (in ramble form)

what is it you want me to tell you?
One minute, I can trust you.
And you'll always be there.
No matter what.
and now, I find out,
you fed me false hopes?
And lied to my face?
Well let me tell you something,
i tried not to believe it, but
what do you want me to say?
that love is everywhere, and life is beautiful?
well, being your friend, it is my duty
to tell you the truth.
There are plenty of things about life I just don't know.

There are millions of stars out there,
I don't know how they are formed
Or why
But they are the reason I believe in beauty

I have no idea who I am
I am not lucky. Or smart. Or beautiful.
I am not always happy
But I am not unhappy.
I am constantly changing.
And maybe that doesn't work for you.

But every person I meet
Every class I take
Every second I am learning about love
And life
It makes the dials in my head turn
And it fills in one more empty space in my
Color-by-numbers of life

I have realized, though,
That I am one of the hopefuls
Of all these hopeless souls that wander this earth
With nothing,
No ambitions
No goals

So as I lay my guard down
I pray you
Don't judge
Or aim to kill
I am just as lost and confused
I will stand here before you
With hope in my heart
As my soul aches for acceptance and
Yearns for the unknown

Because, although my eyes are not set in the distance
I am watching my life unfold before me
And taking it one step at a time

So no, I am not the perfect person
I am not the perfect daughter
Or the perfect friend
I have much room for improvement
As do we all
And I will learn.

So.. now I have spilled my heart to you.

I hope you're happy.

vienna

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But if you're so smart
Tell me, why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it down before you burn it out
You've got so much to do, and only
So many hours in a day

And you know when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before
You even get halfway through
When will you realize? vienna waits for you.

Slow down, you're doin fine
You can't be everything you wanna be
Before your time
Although its so romantic on the borderline
Tonight...
Too bad but its the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right
You right.

You got your passion. You got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied
Dream on. But don't imagine they'll all come true

Slow down, you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook, and disappear for a while
Its alright, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize, vienna waits for you.
And you know that when the truth is told...
That you can get what you want, or you could just get old
Why don't you realize, vienna waits for you.
When will you realize, vienna waits for you.

ocean eyes

"Painted skies. I've seen so many that cannot compare. To your ocean eyes."

The rain always reminds me. Of your ocean eyes. folding down the seat. And listening to the rain. And the music. the skin beneath my fingernails. dirt in my shoes, twigs in my hair. and bruises. bruises here and there and everywhere.

Don't go, don't go so far away.
You don't have to go
Don't go, don't go so far away.

ode to a rainy day

it rained the day she died. Not the soft rain that tickles your nose, as if it is falling from heaven, but the battling war-like rain. The rain that falls so hard and so fast that it seems to be deriving no more than inches above your head.The rain that pounds on your forehead when you look up to catch a glimpse of what may lie within the stars. It was harsh rain, and it came from all different directions. At one point, it wasn't falling at all; rather, it seemed to be rocketing straight towards her face. Her body broke the path of its painful fire.This was beauty; the rain was beauty. She flattened her body against the pavement and allowed the bombardment of drops to pour onto her face, making her entire body limp.

self portrait

She puts on her makeup for no one
she hides
her thick black lashes disguises her from the world
but does it mask her from the pain

learning the hard way
swiping the shadows across her lids was what kept her from swiping a knife

alternatives

thicker and thicker
darker. more defined

killing herself more and more with each stroke
for every picture of every kiss
more shadows. more colors. less reality.

with every swipe she receives a free admission
change of brush. change of pace

the colors danced.
brown. red. blue. black
her eyes bled black

all her makeup on the counter
along with her tears
along with her alternatives

her focus broke - her reality disappeared
her dreams. her lashes
plucked off one by one
her shadows on a paper towel

screams echoed inside her head
no sound was heard

she dipped her brushes in a glass of water.
maybe tomorrow
-she said-
we'll paint a better picture

Mon meilleur copain

You. Yes, you. This is for you. The collective you. And all of only you. The owner of the broken heart, mending beneath your ribcage. Your soul is laid bare on your sleeve. This is for you. Written by one soul for another in particular. Surprisingly, the mind behind this is hopeful.

Hopeful that he will not hinder the healing. That he will allow the people closest to assist in the healing. And that he will keep head held high, knowing that there is always a shoulder waiting to be cried on, a hand waiting to lead you into the light, a heart waiting to be lended.

You have been a large part of the greates days, nights, and moments of my life. So to say that you are not worthy, not deserving of love or happiness, is the furthest from the truth. I must tell you that I have never told you something or did something because I was obligated to do so.

You have so much passion in your eyes, head and heart. You are filled with creativity and love. And we all can see and appreciate that. We don't need to feed you lies when the truth is so easily accessible.

A heart is a fragile thing. If not handled with care, it can be easily shattered. I know your heart has been dropped more than once, and you have reluctant to pick up the peices. But, although it has been battered and broken, remember always that I am here, readily with glue, to peice it back together. And with the energy of time and patience on both of our parts it will be stronger than it was before.

So this is for you. Yes you. The collective you. And all of only you. This is for you. Written by one soul for another in particular. And, not so surprisingly, the mind behind this is hopeful.

one breath closer

At five in the morning, colors seem to bleed.
The broken white lines blur.
the soft melodies and sound of the hard air conditioning blew hard in my face. My eardrums pounded.
Venturing over the mountain I watched the pink clouds turn orange. Yellow. White.
The warm energy coursed through my veins as I took the drive towards my future.
Inhale.
Take it all in. Hold it all in.
Eyelids flutter.
With a long exhaled breath, a stream of fog appears on the windsheild.
Another day.
Another dollar lost.
One breathe closer.

And so it begins...

"I Will Crawl.
There's things that are worth giving up
i know.
But i won't let them get me.
I will Fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside.
Some days all i do is
Watch the Sky"

As i begin this journey, i fell that certain form of introduction is needed. I am very new to this, i don't know the rules, so i will make them up as i go along. I can forsee a large amount of my blogging future to begin with a quote, probably from a song, as this one did. The imagination and the creativity of some artists inspire me to use my imagination and creativity to create streams of song.
I also can sense that there will be a plethora of ellipses... probably words that don't necessarily exist. some fragments, lots of lowercase. i hate the boundaries that language sets for us. i am very ready, and thoroughly willing to break the barriors.
A little bit about me: i write when i feel lonely, sad, enthralled, excited, hopeless, and wonderful. i cant wait to share my stories with the world, and i have many stories to tell.
i am not here to impress or inspire.
This should be fun.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"