September 22, 2010

Ada Lee Gilpin

"hurry son, hurry."
he made a mistake. he came for me. but took you instead
and now i am walking to the car, family at my side
as my son is lowered into the ground.
his brother, stronger than most
has placed the first of the dirt on your ashes
and i couldn't watch.
i had to leave
and as i left, i saw the squirrels playing in the trees
the deer running across the lawns
and the trees, all green with life.

in a place so full of beauty
and life
this is where i leave you.
your mortal body,
in the ground.
with the green vivaciousness all around you

he made a mistake when he took you.
he should have taken me instead.


Guy Allen Carmichael

Don't worry mommy,
there was no mistake.
i am here.

Don't worry mommy,
please don't cry anymore
let your family ease your pain
for i am free.

Don't worry mommy,
i know that you are angry
but don't blame God,
he brought me here
and i am happy.

Don't worry mommy,
you are strong.
and yes, it is unfair
but this place is beautiful
you'll see someday.
and i know
that i am loved.



Kelsey Franceine Carmichael

i have only seen my father cry once before
he was sitting behind a nurses station
calling his family
to tell them his father had died.

and now, as he placed the dirt on his brother's ashes
he choked up
and i saw the pain in his face
it grew a little redder
a little sadder
and a little older
but he held me in his arms afterwards
and i let him cry.

one last time

the sun is falling. dropping deeply behind the swing set. the swings sway slightly as the cool darkness acts as a mother, gently pushing each chained seat. a chill sweeps through the air and bites my nose. i am trying to say goodbye to this hidden world riddled with memory-filled grass and benches. i wave goodbye to the tree's branches and fallen leaves. the branches, naked, wave back to me. i kiss goodbye the bees, stuck in a cool puddle. they shake their wings in attempt to free themselves from their wet bindings. i bend down to the cool, damp ground and write one last "I love you" in the sand, knowing that the oncoming storm will wash away the emotions from this place before you get a chance to know it was there. It's getting colder, sun dropped fully beyond the hillside across the road. i cup my hands around my bare arms, erupted with goosebumps and try to soothe them away, skin to skin. i take one step, then another, and with each step further from my past my knees knock and legs tremble to match the tears that are stinging my lips. but i don't stop walking. it took me some time to leave this behind me, but i know if i were to look back i know i will not find you there. not anymore.

the process

words. just words.
flowing from the bottom of my brain to the tips of my fingers. the blue must bleed onto the paper. c'mon words, i just need a few to break the dam. begin the flow.
my eyes slam shut to block out all light and distracting elements that seem to blockading my needs, my words.
please.
come back to me.
i know youre still lingering right on the tip of my pen waiting for touchdown, landing the golden point to the colorless paper, willing something... anything to be released.
my hand curls deeply hugging the shaft of the pen and i notice that i hold it differently than others. i move my second finger to attempt normality.
shit.
distraction.
who cares about my finger placement as long as something is being written. but if the paper is still blank... nothing is being said, nothing matters.
i open my mouth to bring more and more oxygen to my brain, maybe that will trigger a reaction, a chemical blast between synapses which will allow a bulb to ignite above my head... wait for it... nothing. maybe i dont need to say anything after all.

the talk

him: ... hello?
her: hi. i know its been a while. i have something to ask.
him: okay. whats going on?
her: um.. this is hard. *breath* is there any chance between us? at all?
him: ... why do you ask that?
her: i need to know
him: well... i... i dont know. at one time i hoped so. very much. but now we are living different lives, we are with different people..
her: i know. i am talking future tense. ever?
him: i just dont know...
her: my boyfriend. he asked me to marry him. and i want to be with him. i love him. but..
him: but what?
her: but i need to know about you.

bad at love

i am bad at love
you may think you can't be,
but you can. and i am.
bad at love.

it always seems i am the last
to move on
or to move forward
or to let go.

i am always
hurting those i love
loving those i shouldn't.

please don't love me.
it won't end well
for either of us.
because
i am bad
at all aspects of love.

this girl

i've got a poem somewhere,
i'm sure of it.
its banging on the door of my brain
hoping to trickle down to my fingertips
and out onto paper.
maybe it is raw
and unedited.
maybe it is revisited and revised
until none of the original shell remains.
maybe it is an open doorway into
the mind of a girl.

some say this girl has "daddy issues"
but i assure you her issues are all her own.
she craves attention,
and she is immature for it.
she wants you,
or does she want you
to want her?
she'll spin a web
about her life
until its true.
did she ever really love you?
or was it a lie
that she made herself believe

there are words
aching to get out,
scratching at the walls of my heart.
these words will form a poem.
it's about a boy
and a girl.
it always is.

winter nights

here i go again.
sitting in the heat of the summer wishing for the winter's sting.
the love is dripping through my headphones, like an IV.
and suddenly i cant remember why i left.
there must have been a reason, but i cant formulate it. cant remember.
i had a dream last night
that you never walked away from me.
this dream made my heart smile and my eyes remember the sting of tears.
the waves of auburn ocean.
my fingers danced with your imaginary counterparts.
when i awoke, fingers cold with lonliness
eyes bloodshot with tears long past,
the saltwater stain on my lips.
i had a dream last night,
but only a dream
that you never walked away.

fall

i told you i would keep it.


in a phrase to cut these lips.
i loved you.

please remember

I hardly ever write anymore, I used to write because I was inspired, inspired by you. or because I had something to say.
This is something I have to say, and I don't even have a pen to write it down.
I go everywhere I hope you'll be, just to see your smile, even if I know you're not smiling at me. You're never there, just as well though, its not like ill know what to say. So i write it down and hope that you still read.
I am in the park today, the day my life is supposed to be different, but all I care about at this moment is escaping to the past, laying up against the tree where we kissed, picking up fallen leaves and remembering what you described as your perfect day.
I'm in the park today of all days, wishing you were in the park too.

=(

it hurts to smile.
an unbearable kind of hurt. and even thinking about parting my lips into an upward curve sends a sharp spear into my body.
i run my fingertips over the surface of my face and pretend not to hurt. not to cry every time i want to smile.
i wipe the black tears from beneath my eyes and think, hope, pray that someday the heat will fade.
because it hurts to smile.
and i had to kiss it goodbye a long while ago.
so relaxing my mouth, i fog up the mirror and draw a smile beneath my reflection.
because i can't smile.
it hurts to smile.