This shit gives me weird dreams. Those vivid ones that stay with you for days, that you remember the details as if they really happened. Then the specifics; people's names, places and the order of events, slowly start to trickle away, bit by bit, until all you are left with is that terrifying moment that it all was centered around in the first place. Sometimes I wake up to realize that the pool of blood I was lying in while looking up at the metal rake in my sisters hands was really just my sweat soaked bedsheets. Other times it's the tears that wake me up, and the shaking. Like when they wheeled out my dad's mangled body on a Radio Flyer just to dump him in a hole. And i watch as they cover him with dirt and garbage, wondering why they didn't bother to put him in a box or a bag, so the dirt didn't get in his mouth. And when she falls to her knees, I feel the electricity shoot up through my thighs. And when she starts to cry harder, so do I. So I wake up with tears covering my face, breathing heavily and violently shaking. But the terror fades until it is only a movie I can replay in my head. The emotions are gone, the sensations removed. And everything is back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be. This goes for the good dreams too. You know the ones, where you are fucking that hot guy from the office. It's raw and beautiful and dirty, and you wake up soaking wet reliving that moment where your body tensed up on top of him and all of the sound drained from the world. Then you realize that the only time you ever cum is in dreams anymore and get up to make a cup of coffee. I don't complain, sure I have to feel pain and heartbreak, and indescribable pleasure that's not really there. But it beats going through each day wondering if a smile really does warm up your chest like they say. Or what the hell they mean when they describe butterflies in their stomach. The only thing I can do is go to sleep and feel whatever forms of emotions that are thrown at me by the sandman each night. "honey. Babe, wake up! You're shaking and hyperventilating." Oh. I was just shot in the head execution-style in front of everyone I know. Weird.