nothing, i guess

Nothing.
Like emptiness but without the space in which to be empty.
Like uncertainty but without the option of being certain.
Like hollow, or indifference.
There is nothing worse than nothing.
Nothing special, simply ordinary.
Imagine slicing open an X over your heart and saying, “here, please, pour your salt into my gaping wound, so that I may feel something. Anything.”
Like a forgotten pair of socks lost in the laundry abyss.
Like a ten year old teddy bear, once a childhood friend, now a place keeper for the corner.
Feel nothing, have nothing, want nothing.
To have a sentence worse than death.
Because death offers a relief, where as nothing offers… well…

In order to feel we must let ourselves.
And in order to let ourselves, we must realize that we should smile because we deserve it.

I deserve it, I realize.
I deserve to smile, to feel, to love again and again and again.
I need to lift myself up instead of squashing myself down.
I need to know that I can make a decision for me, not for you, and not for him, and not because I feel that I have to, but because I WANT it.
Its my turn.
And I refuse to be ordinary.
And I refuse to feel nothing.
Anymore.